Banarnia! The Better Version of Narnia!
by xxXClever BlondeXxx
Summary: I'm not sure if The Only Way Is Essex is in the categories. So, Joey Essex has stumbled into the world of Narnia, and has come across some rather strange things. I promise on my life that the story is better than the summary.
1. Joey's Formidable Opponent, the Wardrobe

This is another story... Multi-chapter, as I ha the first three chapters written up. This is my English homework, and Mrs Feeney is my Irish English teacher.

**WARNING: THE FOLLOWING STORY MAY OR MAY NOT OFFEND YOU. ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE, IN FACT, JOEY ESSEX. IF YOU ARE A FAN OF HIS AND SCREAM WHENEVER YOU SEE HIM IN T.O.W.I.E, PLEASE DO NOT READ. If YOU LIKE TAKING THE MICK OUT OF JOEY ESSEX, THEN YOU PROBABLY WILL ENJOY THIS.  
**

**Disclaimer: I own literally nothing. Not even this laptop - no, wait, that's mine. I also own the plot of this story. Ain't no one gonna take dis. I hope you do not scream at me for the many errors in that 'sentence'.**

_Joey's Formidable Opponent, The Wardrobe_

**[CHAPTER ONE]**

In this story, no offence to C.S Lewis, but I will be adding more unrealistic-nests as we wander into the world of Narnia. Our protagonist may seem a moron (He is, but he's the protagonist, we have to deal with it), but he is an important role in the story. Trust me, as the author, I will suffer just as much as you, the reader. Now, on with this story!

The rain was dying down as a certain boy walked down the corridor His smile was bright, some may call it ignorant. Which it was, as the mood in that very house sad, so to speak, miserable. Yes, miserable, as the owner of the house had left for another with the boy's siblings. The only people left in the house was Mrs Feeney, the housekeeper and caretaker of the boy, and he, himself. The male was named Joey Essex. Not that he had discovered Essex, as that would be a disaster.

Joey's siblings had simply had enough of his cheery behavior, thinking that he was an infuriating, stupid person, and to simply put it, a pain in the neck. Now, dear reader, why do you think that is? Is it because of his accent, his not-so-smart brain or another reason? Think about this. Go on, I will still be here when you come back.

So, you're back. I take it you actually like this story. Of course you do, I wrote it. Now, back to Joey. He was playing a game of Hide and Seek with Mrs Feeney (She had been forgotten about by the master of the household) when he had came across this corridor. Joey then realized that this corridor as the very same corridor that he was absolutely forbidden to go in to, as there were many secrets hidden there that might hurt his tiny, little brain. Not to say that he wasn't smart, he may never have been taught. But that isn't part of this story.

In this particular corridor was a crooked door that swung open as soon as Joey set eyes on it. Not knowing that this could turn into a horror very, very quickly, he entered the room. The room was crooked, just like the door, which had mysteriously closed again (Hey I'm the author, I can do what I want). In the room was a wardrobe, a very small wardrobe that was decorated with the blood of Orcs (Not that Joey knew that).

The wardrobe, that Joey had now opened without my permission, had about fourteen coats inside it. Joy took this the wrong way, thinking that the wardrobe was evil and had eaten those fourteen people. So what did Joey do? He screamed.

"EEEEEEEEEEK!"

It wasn't even a manly scream. Oh no, no, no. It was a high pitched scream, one of a girl that had just heard someone say that they hated 1D & JB. He reacted like one, too. Slapping, kicking, hitting, punching and _biting _the wardrobe, declaring full-on war. This went on about an hour until Mrs Feeney found him.

"There you are! I have been looking for you, Joeeeeey" She said, over-pronouncing the 'e'. After hearing this, Joey suddenly turned into the happiest person you could ever see. But, under his breath, Joey was mumbling that he'd ' Rip the wooden doors off the wardrobe with his legs (he meant arms), then saw it in half, officially ending it's life (As if it ever lived).

Now, imagine how poor Mrs Feeney felt when she saw a usually cheery boy next to a beaten up wardrobe covered in Orcs blood, also covered in the blood of Orc. Not that she knew it was not his blood.

"Aghhhh!" Now **this** was a manly scream. Deep, and gruff, nowhere near ladylike.

She hurried him into the wardrobe for unknown reasons, when she heard the most terrifying thing she could imagine at that moment.

"NO, DON'T IT'LL EAT YOUUUUUUU!"


	2. Of Dwarfs and Snow

I'm updating this shit early. Also, it would be nice to have at least one review, but... I don't care- it's fine... *Cries*

I just took a test to see if I have any mental illnessness, because people tell me I act like I do, and it turns out I do. Quite a lot,actually. It consists of the following:

Manic Episodes

Bipolar Disorder

Specific Pobia

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Generailized Anxiety Disorder

Panic Disorder

Agoraphobia

ADHD

That's a Hell of a lot of disorders. Don't thy all just sound so delightful? They should really rename them all...

Anyway, I own nothing. Still. If I owned TOWIE, then it probably wouldn't exist because I killed all the cast. Seriously, who came up wth that complet and utter crap?

Sorry for rambling, here's the story:

_Of Dwarfs and Snow_

**[CHAPTER TWO]**

She dropped him and ran. I suppose you could call it a 'Hit & Run'. Joey did hit his backside on the wooden floor of the wardrobe. He tried to open the door, but found that it was closed. 'Fool,' he thought, 'only silly people close the door of a wardrobe behind them'. Now, I know that up until now, Joey was quite a stupid person. But now he will become a sensible and serious person. Until the next time he does something/says something stupid in the story.

Wait, did he feel… Cold? Coldness is unusual, they were in 'Spain', after all. Even though everyone spoke English. Joey looked into the back of the supposed wardrobe (Though everyone knows by now that it was a man-eating monster), but found that there _was_no back! What's that? What was there, then, I here you ask. Now, now, don't be impatient. You will find out what soon enough.

The back of the wardrobe as you and everyone else know, had disappeared. Instead, replacing the soft, flat wood, was soft, round wood. In fact, a load of them. You and I both know them as trees, but young Joey here had never seen the outside world, as he would have embarrassed the whole of the human race if he had. The trees we are talking about aren't just any trees, they are Pine trees. Or were, as Santa Claus had the reindeer's cut them down with their antlers'. These particular Pine trees grew pineapples. Joey thought it strange. Finally! Some intelligence!

Snow covered just about every inch of ground in his view.

Joey also thought this strange, as snow did not fall in spring in Spain. Not that it was Spring, it was Winter. In fact, he was not in Spain, either. Just needed to clear that up.

Suddenly, a rumbling was heard and in came the seven dwarfs.

"I'm not happy." Said one of them in a monotone voice.

"Then which one ARE you?" Questioned Joey quickly. He had always loved the dwarfs, and wanted to know who they are.

"I'm Smoky. Formally called Stressy" he said with a cigarette in his mouth," but I learned how to deal with that." Joey was amazed. His role models that he looked up to as a child (what, did you think he would be a child? HAH! He is, like, twenty.)

The rest of the dwarfs nodded, paying their respects to the dead. By 'dealing with that', he had 'accidentally' killed Happy. I suggest you cry now, as that lovable little dwarf will not be in this story.

"So, where am I, like, you know, like, SWAG, YOLO" Joey asked. Typing that was painful.

"Why, young boy, you're in Banarnia!"

Ah, yes, Banarnia. Banarnia. Though he thought he was in Spain. Never mi-wait a minute…

Banarnia?

The end of yet another chapter. A pretty short one, but aren't they all short? If my story chapters were long, they would drag on. So, until next time, goodbye.


End file.
